Devin Townsend - Ziltoid the Omniscient (2007)
I like to think that imagination truly is the fuel for a good life, and I say that because I'm an unemployed dumbass leeching off of other people, but you know, art. I used to love playing "Final Fantasy X" when I was a kid, I'd just really get immersed into the world and all of that good shit. My first copy fucked up right after an important scene (thanks Gamestop) and I had to buy another copy, and guess what? I lost that. So I just bought another copy for pretty cheap, and you may be saying to yourself "what does this have to do with anything, you fucking retard?" but the truth is that sometimes you just gotta point and laugh at the retard eating his own shit, which in this case happens to be me. I know, I expect it, I feel it. When you get done laughing at that and need some more shit to really pound your potatoes, check this fucking album out. You see, when Devin "guys I'm a vegematarian" Townsend got done with the worst thing to have ever happened in the history of music ("The New Black") he decided "fuck it", shaved his head, got off drugs (his imagination is quite vivid without it, anyhow), quit his internet pornography addiction, and recorded an entire solo album in his living room about an alien that comes to earth in search of the perfect cup of coffee, doesn't receive it, and then fucks shit up for absolutely everyone. When you think about it, it kinda mirrors our current situation with Donald Trump as our president, searching out for more pussies to violate but then fucks shit up over in Syria, and did you think Syria was some happy getaway vacation spot for liberal college students to spend a week in "studying the world"? No, you're fucking stupid, and so am I for awkwardly shoehorning politics of the real world (as opposed to magical politics in "Final Fantasy X", the greatest RPG of all time) into a review about a progressive metal album, like just the fact that I'm listening to a progressive metal album doesn't already guarantee that I don't actually have any fucking friends. Boohoo.
If your girlfriend ever wanted to take you to a musical and you said "whuh? me musical? ooga booga me MAN" and clutched your "Bacon Is My Favorite Vegetable" shirt you got from Spencer's, then you can fucking shut the fuck up about your trendy "the narwhal bacons at midnight xD" shit because this is, by all means, a badass album that'll put hair resembling a shitty hotel carpet on your baby's chest, that was very influenced by musicals. You may say "NO, IT'S INFLUENCED BY OPERAS!!" but look in your soul to discover that they're pretty much the same fucking thing, except that operas generally have more overweight people (like me) in the cast, whereas most modern musicals will hire any attractive dumbass in NYC that posts Twenty One Pilots vocal covers on YouTube. While we're still on the subject of musicals, I don't give a fuck what musical it is, you could have the shittiest rendition of "Mary Poppins" and I'd still show up if Devin Townsend had absolutely any vocal roles in it at all, even if it was just to hum a tune and say "the only thing that's poppin' here is me poppin' a woody" and then proceed to masturbate on stage, muttering "A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down" aggressively until he cums on the female lead's face. I'm like 90% positive this was used as a song concept on "The New Black".
So here's the thing buckaroos: This album is funny, yeah, it doesn't take a genius to make a funny album (but it does take an absolute fucking moron to make one as unfunny as Lil Dicky's "Professional Rapper"), but it takes a genius to make a -good- album, and a complete fucking evil mastermind to make a -GOOD- and -FUNNY- album. Hevy Devy makes better albums in his living room than most Loudwire "metal masters" bands make in high-class studios, it's just a(n) (un)fortunate fact of life no matter how you cut it. This album has pretty much everything you could expect from Devin Townsend up to this point in his career all smacked into one album that'll suck your dick completely off of your FUPA, leaving only a Mike & Ike or two that you dropped and forgot about. It's got heavy shit that fucks your wife, beautiful shit that makes love to your wife, and technical shit that makes her squirt like a water sprinkler. In fact, really, the only negative thing I can really say about it is also a positive to some people: Given that the album was recorded entirely by Devin Townsend himself, the drums are programmed and lack that natural human feeling to them, which bothers me a bit because I think "well, what if he got Gene Hoglan to play drums?" but it also interests me because it sounds so unnatural and extreme that it almost helps the album because it constantly reminds you that everything you're hearing on this album came from one bald bastard with too much caffeine available to him. If you avoided this album because "it sounds stupid" then send me your address so I can bring you to your end. Fuck you. You're inferior to me.
8/10
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Feel free to check out the song previews/buy this album using my Amazon Associate link!
