Crustified Dibbs - Night of the Bloody Apes (1994)

I dunno why but I really like this album artwork. It reminds me of when I was a preteen and was forced to kill my entire family. Okay, I wasn't forced. It was a double-dog dare, so what the hell was I supposed to do? Timmy from down the street is an ASSHOLE!!

This is actually a shelved album of R.A. the Rugged Man's back when he went by Crustified Dibbs, and the only copies that can be found are shitty audio rips on the internet, so even if you really like this album, you're pretty much shit out of luck of finding the definitive version. No matter how many times fans try to remaster the album, there's only so many times you can spray a pile of dog shit with Febreze before you realize it's a lost cause and you don't have enough money for heroin anymore, in which case I don't need you in my life.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day, but if this album were a clock, it'd probably be a shitty one, like those small little black ones you don't have any idea how to program. When I was a young kid, I used to carry those around and my parents thought I was gonna excel in math because I loved numbers so much, but it turns out I grew up just to excel in getting absolutely wasted every night like my dad. Still, the two times this clock is right this day are the stand-out tracks "Cunt Renaissance" featuring Notorious B.I.G. which also has R.A. the Rugged Man yelling "I RIP YOUR CUNTS OUT WITH SPOONS!!" which means this will probably be my mom's favorite track on the album. The other, "Back to the Rubber-Room" is pretty catchy, with boasts of "I'm messed up, I'm crazy!!" which I had NO idea about after having heard "Cunt Renaissance" just right before it! I need to be more careful about the people I trust: Someone once sold me not one, but TWO As I Lay Dying albums on CD under the guise of "they're two good Christian metal albums" when I was 12. Turns out they were just SHIT and my dad gave me a rough time about them because he thought they were Satanic, which pretty much just ruined the band for me (due to association of memories of my dad berating me) and lead to me listening to shit like Cattle Decapitation. Oh well!

It's not even the shitty nature of the album's sound quality: Even if it sounded better, I think I still wouldn't be able to understand most of the shit R.A. the Rugged Man is saying on this album. At any point in any of these songs, R.A. the Rugged Man is probably rapping about mutilating a girl or some shit, but all I hear it as is just "RUHBUHRUH OOO BUHRUHBUH DIBBITY DOO" at points, which almost makes this (if it actually came out and was sold in record stores) sound like one of those weird records that no one knows the story behind, who made it, or anything, just knowing it as some weird record that showed up out of nowhere, kinda like how I used to (with his consent) burn copies of my friend's (from another state) band's demo album and leave them in microwaves and bathrooms in Walmart. When you think about it, I'm actually pretty magnificently brilliant, and when you think about it, this entire album is just a horrorcore version of Ol' Dirty Bastard, who was a pretty scary fella without trying.

Or maybe just a horrorcore version of Scatman John. Your choice, really.

6/10