Mike Patton - Adult Themes for Voice (1996)
Almost everyone I know can tell you I'm a Patton Preacher. There's few purposes I serve on this world, but being a Patton Preacher is one of, if not the biggest. I think Mike Patton very well might be the best vocalist alive, and is definitely one of the most creative. I'm usually pretty quick to call any music he makes "gold", because, y'know, Mikey P has that golden touch, you can see that on his face from those pictures of him holding his dick out on stage, but I also can be very critical of Mike Patton's work because I love and adore his output. I hold Mike Patton to a certain quality standard, even if I don't always initially understand it. He is one of the hidden gems of this world and anyone who'll tell you otherwise is a fucknugget.
When you read the title of "Adult Themes For Voice", you'll probably think like I did and think that he finally, with his warm, beautiful voice, put out an adult contemporary album that you'd just leave on in the background when you invite a beautiful lady back to your place, and then before long, you're doing what my mom calls the "no pants monkey dance". Well, if you're looking for that, then by all means check out Lovage's sole release "Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By", in which he sings with Jennifer Charles over smooth and sexual beats provided by Dan the Automator. Now, if you were actually wanting an album consisting solely of Mike Patton making weird noises in hotel closets, as a form of schizophrenic vocal gymnastics, you're fucking weird, but here it is.
FIRST OFF: YES, I LISTENED TO THE ENTIRE ALBUM START TO FINISH... AND ONLY HAD TO TAKE THREE BREAKS!! Let me just get it out there by saying that this album is garbage, but it seems like Mike Patton knew that before he ever even recorded it, and didn't set out to make a masterpiece by any means, but the album also turned out to be something that's hard to get through even once, and you're crazy as shit if you give it even a second listen. There is literally nothing on this album except for Mike Patton's vocals, clapping, overdubs, distortion, and whatever else, and there aren't really any -songs- on here. These are all just attacks on what you could even possibly conceive as being music, and fuck, Patton won the battle on this one.
It's interesting because Mike Patton can make weird noises like an expertly-trained guitarist totally shredding a guitar, but what about this is actually entertaining as music?, All it sounds like is just a one-time experience that you quickly grow a distaste for because even the most dedicated Mike Patton fan will struggle to find anything good to say about this other than the honest fact that it's a technically impressive show of skill, but holy shit is this a fuckin' TRIP and proves that he could release a vinyl of him taking a shit on loop for an hour and the fans would fucking buy every color that the vinyl is available in, and fork over entire salaries for the chance to actually smell one of his farts. This was an album that Mike Patton made FOR Mike Patton, not any of his fans or even other humans. If you meet anyone who claims to like this album, stay far, far away, because they're probably going to explode any day now in a fit of rage and cannibalize everyone they hold dear.
Also it really sucks and I'm disappointed by that. Insert a "Fuck" between every word I just said and imagine James Rolfe wrote it, because I'm trying to forget that I was the one who listened to this piece of audible shit. This album must've been released to promote better sales of Tylenol in 1997. Life isn't any better for having this in it. This is orange Gatorade.
2/10
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